Michigan, Longstanding State, to Close

It is with great sadness that Michigan Governor Granholm announced the closing of the State of Michigan, effective immediately.
Since 1837, Michigan had been a stolid member of the Upper Midwest. But problems have been mounting since the 1970's, when the last white person quietly left Detroit. Adding to the suffering was Winter, an annual season of inclement weather that has proved unpopular with residents and visitors alike. Others blame a poor location, surrounded by Midwest on three sides, Michigan had only a lake front and no "Real Coast," now believed a requirement for a successful State.

"Without he car industry, I just can't be bothered" laments Governor Granholm, speaking about the demise of auto manufacturing, an industry in which innovations in blue-polyester cronyism were matched by unionized productivity-phobia and a razor-sharp focus on the richly-marbled waddling credit-gorged Middle America drive-thru consumer.

Already Sold
The oil-rich Canadian Province of Alberta has already purchased Michigan and quickly begun a rebranding campaign, positioning the new property as "Baja Alberta". Alberta plans to use the nicer parts as warm-climate socialist-retirement communities whilst the rest of the State will continue to be a storage facility for derelict industrial equipment.